Over the last 14 years, I’ve been fascinated by the idea of why some people who have been through such incredible hardship are able to emerge victoriously, while others spend years of their life in bed. I’ve spoken to hundreds of single moms over the years, and resilience is the differentiator, no question. But what exactly is resilience? Are we born with it? Is it genetic or can it be cultivated?

The first time I heard Edith Eger speak, I was driving my son to the Ice Hotel in Quebec City. I didn’t have much, but I had enough to take my son on a nice 5 day vacation. My ex had started litigation to have his child support debt erased and I was being choked by legal fees I didn’t ask for. I was the classic victim. Edith spoke about the horrors she experienced in Auschwitz, and I felt like I got a huge punch in the gut – a lesson in resilience I’d never forget. What kept her alive in the concentration camp, was something I was lacking in that moment.

Years later, after hearing the personal experiences of so many single moms, I can say with complete certainty that it’s resilience – not education, not experience, not money, that determines who succeeds and who fails.

Maurice Vanderpol, a resilience researcher described it as plastic shield that healthy people are able to build. This shield includes a sense of humour, the ability to relate to others and an inner space that protected them from abusers. I remember Edith Eger saying that the worst concentration camp she experienced was the one she created in her own mind. Things shifted for her, she said, when she was able to create a psychological space inside of herself that no one could destroy, not even the Nazis.

I see this same characteristic in many of the moms I speak to, many of whom have experienced terrible abuse at the hands of their former partners. My situation was no different. I knew that the abuse ended the day he left, but the suffering went on for years. I was living in a prison I made with my mind. I, like so many of the women I talk to, learned over time – what resilience is and how life is it’s greatest teacher.

So how does this help the single mother? How can she cultivate more resilience in the face of everything she is dealing with? There are 3 main characteristics she possesses. She sees her circumstance through an objective lens, she believes that her life and her situation has a deeper meaning and she has an ability to improvise.

ACCEPTANCE

In design thinking, we learn that in times of disruption, most people are thrust into this place called “the waiting room”; waiting for life as they knew it to return back to normal. This is great if you need to pull over to the shoulder to let an ambulance pass by, but not so great if you’re waiting for “single motherhood” to pass. Nothing happens in the waiting room. The women who succeed get out of the waiting room and move into a  place called the acceptance zone. This is where the magic happens. The acceptance zone is where you do your reconnaissance. You say to yourself “wow, this is challenging… how can I look around to see what I can do next here?” The acceptance zone is where you do your testing. It’s where the learning happens, and most importantly – people here have a bias to action. You make small moves, no matter how imperfect and apprehensive they might be.

Resilient people accept the situation as it is. They aren’t wearing rose-coloured glasses. They stare down the reality and act in way that allows them to endure and survive extraordinary hardship. They are always in training, so that when something happens, they can act. This isn’t possible when you’re in denial. You can’t fix a problem that you don’t believe exists.

MEANING

I believe that whatever force gave us a heart we didn’t earn, gave us the circumstances of our life. We know those people who throw their hands up in the air and scream “Life isn’t fair. Why me?” With this outlook, you can’t see the meaning in the hardship.

The women who I’ve seen thrive is single motherhood all had this in common. They knew that somehow when they looked back on what they went through, it would all make sense. People like this also tend to have a very strong value system. When you have strong values, you can more easily interpret and shape events in a way that serves you and others.

INGENUITY

Think of yourself like an inventor or an explorer. I love the phrase – “play the hand you were given as though it were exactly the one you wanted.” How would you show up in life if this was your truth? Build something beautiful out of what you have. Some people muddle through life, while others imagine possibilities for everything (no matter how little) they have been given.

Of the thriving single moms I’ve met, I’ve learned that what sets them apart is their understanding of the world. They aren’t swept up into despair. They see it as a necessary part of their journey.

On my own path, I’ve noticed something very interesting. The more I open myself up to the possibility that it all “happened for a reason”, the more my life confirms it. Synchronicities appear out of nowhere, opportunities present themselves and life starts feeling like it’s always conspiring