Fortune indeed favours the bold. The old thinking of “if I work hard, all good things will come my way” doesn’t get us very far. I was always scared to ask for help. After all, I had the belief that I “did this to myself” and that my circumstances were my problem, and my problem alone.

Something interesting shifted when I began wanting more for myself. After I became comfortable with the idea of wanting and deserving more, I thought “what was wrong with asking for help?”

WE DON’T ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING IN A VACUUM

The first place I go when I have an issue is mindset. In terms of asking for anything – a raise, help with my son, a favour, a free upgrade, a job opportunity etc., it’s important to consider first what you’re giving to any situation. If anything is missing from your life (and trust me I know there’s always lots missing in the single parent life), always start from the place of “what am I not giving?” Recognizing that my life was of service to improving my circumstances to benefit the little human I was raising made it easier. I was doing my part. 

GIVING IS FUN

There is a great body of research that shows people in fact receive more “happiness” from giving than they do receiving. There’s great value to altruism. Ask a behavioural scientist, they’ll map out a habit loop that consists of a trigger, a behaviour and a result (the feeling you get for making a difference in someone else’s life). Ask a therapist, and they might say that you feel loved because of a long history of equating things with love. For our purposes, all that really matters is that we all derive happiness form giving, even if we’re struggling to meet our basic needs.

THE ELEGANT ASK

After you get comfortable with the idea that people really do want to help, there’s a bit of a science (and art) involved to increase your chances of getting what you want (and the help you deserve).  Much of the time, for us single parents, this help comes in the form of money.  

KNOW EXACTLY WHAT (AND HOW MUCH) YOU WANT

It’s amazing how we can list of a million things we don’t want out of life yet can’t seem to describe what we want. Make this your north star. What is it you’re asking for? What does a “win” look like, and how will you know when you get it? What is the precise dollar amount you think would be appropriate for a raise? What time frame are your considering for a promotion?  What additional hours are you able to work, and when if necessary? If you’re interviewing for a new job, know the answer for your salary range expectations, but respond by refocusing on your qualifications that increase your worth. Check out this LINK for more tips about salary negotiation. 

THE ART OF ASKING

Now that you’ve done all of the necessary research and know exactly what you want, there’s a bit of an art form to increasing the chances of “yes”. For example, you’re not going to formulate an ask for your employer the same way you would a family member. You wouldn’t ask for a huge favour from someone when they’re dealing with a serious issue at home. This requires your judgement and patience.

1. Be Specific. You’ve identified what you want and have quantified exactly what you’re asking for. You’ve researched what you’ll need to justify the ask, and are specific with your reasons why. This lets the other party know exactly what they’ll be agreeing to. 

2. Is it reasonable? How would you feel if your kid asks you to spend $500 on a pair of Air Jordan’s when you’re worried about paying rent? You don’t want to create distance by asking for something unrealistic.

3. Relevance. If you provide a reason for why you’re asking, the chances of receiving “yes” increase. Frame your request as a step to further a goal, or to achieve something important. My son always asks, “why mama?” Have a reason ready. For example, “Could you get dinner started on Wednesday’s at 5pm because I really need a bit of time for myself”. Or “Can I leave my child with you a little later on Tuesday nights? I’m prioritizing my health and would love to be able to attend a weekly fitness class”. The only caveat is: resist the need to over-explain. You don’t need to give a laundry list of justifications. You’re worthy of asking for a bit of help.

4. Deadline. When you don’t provide a deadline, there is no urgency. When the other party is given a timeline, they can more easily evaluate what you need, and how to respond. No deadline can create confusion and friction. 

4 REASONS WE DON’T ASK FOR WHAT WE WANT

1. Ignorance. We actually don’t know what’s out there. Do some research! Dream a little. 

2. Limiting Beliefs. Here’s a big one for single parents. We don’t feel deserving. If we were victims of abuse of any kind, we have spent a long time being made to feel unworthy and this can take time to unravel.

3. Fear of “No”. You’ll just have to get over this. No isn’t a bad word. Don’t associate a “no” with failure, with being embarrassed or as criticism. The greatest “yes’” came after countless “no’s”. Practice is the only way to get through this one.

4. Fear of “Yes”. This can be complicated but has to do with conflicting beliefs and fear of the unknown. For example, we may want huge success, but don’t want to work very hard (not in the single parent case, in my experience). In my case, I wanted to meet the love of my life, but thought deep down that a man would take everything I worked so hard for away, as did my ex. We all want what’s comfortable, and sometimes that “yes” can make us venture out into the unknown. The key is thinking about all the great things that come out of progress, learning and growing.

The goal of this post is to inspire you to ask for what you want, whether it’s from your kids, your family, your employer, or even yourself. Start by taking on a mindset of service. Is there something that maybe you’re not giving? Understand that giving truly is a gift and that it makes people feel good when they can help another human. Craft your ask intelligently by knowing what it is you want, by quantifying it, making it reasonable and providing a timeline. Lastly, think about why you might not be asking for what you want. Get comfortable with hearing “no”, and lastly –  start practicing!

JOURNAL PROMPT:

What is something in your life that you haven’t asked for but would LOVE to have?

What keeps you from asking for it?

What can you commit to asking for THIS WEEK?