I have a small but wonderful group of female friends. They’re the first ones to hear about my wins and my struggles.  This is the way things are now, but it wasn’t always this way.

I had my son at 28, when most of my girlfriends were still partying. When we reached the early 30’s, I was thrust into single parenthood while they were marrying their sweethearts. It wasn’t until quite recently, that I felt 2 things shift. Paths with older friends crossed again and newer friends were entering my life at a rapid pace. Now, my closest girlfriends are everything to me. This got me thinking about how female friendships evolved in my own life, the competitiveness between women and how the successes of other women don’t diminish mine. Moreover, their shining brightly provides me an opportunity to succeed and an image of something to strive towards.

In Psychology today, Noam Shpancer writes “As women come to consider being prized by men their ultimate source of strength, worth, achievement and identity, they are compelled to battle other women for the prize.” Basically, that women who want the same man to impregnate them turn on each other. I think I remember feeling a bit of this in high school. Attending an all-girls school may have dampened this slightly. As we get older, this turns into not being able to take our eyes of the crazy beautiful ones who possess black magic strong enough to steal our husbands. We want to level the playing field to make sure that we have access to the best genes. Makes sense, in theory.

My Girl Crushes

I can’t say that competitiveness has got me as far as modelling has. My closest friends are women I admire, with qualities I wish for myself. They inspire me to think bigger, love harder and shine brighter. Some women I look up to I’ve never met. I look for clues in their successes to spur my own ambitions. These ladies – I call my girl crushes.

Single moms struggle with mother’s guilt. There is never quite enough of us to go around. This causes all kinds of stresses and failed expectations we beat ourselves up over. By looking at others who have done it – managed the responsibilities of single parenthood, have successful careers and well-balanced children, I know that I can too.

I look to model myself after women who aren’t afraid to fail, who lift one other up and who make a difference (no matter how large or small) in the world. I don’t want to hold myself back because I’ve fallen victim to the “single mom” stereotype. I want to harness the lifesaving power of trusting in my abilities by watching how others did it. It can be done.

When I think about the women I currently follow online, who’s books I read and whose behaviours I want to emulate, those that immediately come to mind (who I don’t know personally) are: Celine Dion, Sallie Krawcheck, Michelle Obama, Oprah, Lady Gaga, Marianne Williamson, Angelina Jolie, Annie Leibovitz, Amal Clooney, Jaime Kern Lima, Carole King, Indra Nooyi, Misty Copeland, Sara Blakely and Dr. Shefali. Each one of these women have qualities I admire for different reasons. For example:

Celine Dion: expressive, passionate, what I always dreamed of being

Jaime Kern Lima: badass business-woman, lifts other women and authentic to herself

Lady Gaga: her life is her art

Angelina Jolie: beautiful, exudes grace, and known for philanthropy

Amal Clooney: elegant, amazing style, brilliant, respected

Misty Copeland: athlete, triumph, beauty

Sallie Krawcheck: woman in finance, “girl power”, looks after other women

We See Ourselves Through Other People

When we admire others, we’re actually looking at them “through” ourselves. When I read the words I used to describe the women above, they’re all the qualities of me I’d love to develop. In fact, I may argue that these are qualities I’ve grown into because I’ve admired them in other women. I wouldn’t see them otherwise. My girl crushes are reflecting my “best self” back to me. I now have a blueprint of how I want to show up in the world.

The perfect me is: dedicated to my life’s passion, elegant, graceful, respected, brilliant, a philanthropist, expressive, a mother… the list goes on. This is the suit I choose to put on every morning. My hunt for a partner has become the hunt for my true essence, and it feels like liberation.

Make a list of all of the women you admire. Beside their names write down why you admire them; their qualities. Reflect on the way you’ve just described your own essence. Then, try it on.