Could he have been more perfect? 

He had the magnetic pull of a fairy tail ending. Attentive, intelligent, self-assured, and admired by others; how did I get so lucky? No one has ever been this interested in me. It felt like he saw me in ways that I had always wanted to see myself.

I was on his pedestal — until I wasn’t.

THE ALLURE OF THE NARCISSIST

The match that felt like it had been crafted in heaven was meticulously designed that way. Every word and gesture projected a reflection of the deepest desires of my heart. 

Each compliment was specifically tailored to pull me into his orbit. He knew exactly what he was doing. He was finding a path into my heart through what seemed like genuine affection — my hero, my savior, and the missing piece of my puzzle.

He was only hard on me because I was so special. This shift was subtle and happened over several weeks. He criticized me out of love, because his standards were so high, and he wanted me to be better (because we deserved it), so I tried to be better, to become the woman he deserved. 

Maybe I wasn’t as great as he originally thought. I was my fault that I was losing him. He was becoming angry because I screwed up — I left the cupboard doors open in the kitchen, I spoke to the “loser” at the restaurant and I wasted his “valuable” time with my childish needs.

Does any of this sound familiar? This was my story. But it is also the story of every woman who has been the victim of a narcissists game.

FORSAKING FAMILY & FOREGOING RESPONSIBILITY

The final curtain falls on the narcissistic relationship.

Usually, the dismissal of you and your children is as abrupt as their entrance was alluring. Most partners who leave a relationship are concerned about their family’s well-being. A narcissist, however, leaves the family with a cold detachment.

They doted over you when you were pregnant, playing the role of the perfect dad-to-be. But now, their interest has dwindled to nothing. You and the children are a burden, and in their view, supporting children emotionally or financially is not an obligation they need to honour.

Their neglect is rationalized with a twisted logic that absolves them of any sort of accountability. They are above the mundane role of parenthood.

 This abandonment is not because of a lack of resources or capability, it’s because of their self-centred mindset that prioritizes their personal and professional interests above everything else, including the well-being of their children.

A MOTHER’S EMOTIONAL WOUND

A mother’s pain is multifaceted. She grapples with the loss of a partner, the absence of a co-parent, while simultaneously facing the impossible task of healing her own scars. She will be raising her children on her own, supporting them emotionally and financially while trying to understand the abuser’s pathology. 

Far too many mothers don’t have the time or resources to rebuild their sense of self and are left with a feeling of worthlessness, believing that their situations are a reflection of their own mistakes.

While not yet a diagnosable condition, this psychological turmoil has a name. Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome involves the presence of various symptoms caused by prolonged exposure to narcissistic behaviour. Some of these symptoms may include feelings of confusion, low self-worth, anxiety, hyper-vigilance, inability to trust, guilt and shame and the doubting of her own judgment.

SHE’S UNHINGED

In order for them to look good, you need to look bad. If you dare point out any problems or question their behaviour, they’ll lash out by insulting or threatening you. (Mine told me if I ever went after child support, he’d tell the judge I was so stupid that he’d have my child taken away from me.)

If you react in any way, they will use it against you, making you appear crazy in the eyes of anyone who will listen. It is their primary tactic in court — always.

SHE CAN’T MAKE DECISIONS

You’ve been criticized for so long, that you yourself believe you can’t do anything right. You’ve been called ignorant and told you were nothing without your ex. And here you are — without you’re ex.

You’ve absorbed the insults and have attached them to your identity.

It took years for me to realize I didn’t “live in a dreamworld.”

UNEXPLAINED PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS

It’s been well documented that anxiety and depression cause physical symptoms and that trauma overwhelms the nervous system. 

Our bodies were not designed to help us thrive, they were designed to keep us alive. We were hurt. We were hurt badly, and fighting the pain or running from it will help keep us from being hurt again. The issue with this is that our bodies become inflamed and our physical health deteriorates as a result.

We become disconnected from our bodies, because our bodies forever remember what we’re trying so hard to forget.

BE WILLING TO BE WELL

This is the hardest part, and most people don’t even try — but it’s the most important part in our healing.

We need to be willing to set down the heavy boulders we’ve been carrying. We do this by realizing that the narcissistic relationship was never the issue. The issue was the way it affected us. We are carrying the emotions in our thoughts, our bodies, in our genes, our blood and in our hormones. Because of this, we’re being attacked by the pain over and over and over again. We have children we can’t afford to support and are too busy surviving and waiting for the next attack.

We spend all of our energy solving the problems right in front us. And then the next one, and the next one after that. Over time, we’ve built a mental structure in an effort to avoid pain. But this structure, originally built as a fortress to keep us and our kids safe, slowly starts to imprison us. This structure is everything we do (our beliefs, our actions, our defences) to avoid feeling the pain we experienced at the hands of the narcissistic partner.

MOURN THE GAP

Healing starts by sitting in the gap between what we hoped for in a relationship and what we got. 

This will hurt. But by feeling and acknowledging the hurt, we allow the light to start coming in. We’re acknowledging reality for the first time in a long time. 

Mourning the gap is ownership and ownership leads to healing.

For victims or narcissistic abuse, life feels as though everything is either before or after the abuse. You have been changed, you are now a fundamentally different woman. The great thing about this is that after means there is no going back. From now on, we can only move forward. The past is over. The old days are gone.

We can’t edit sentences with periods at the end of them. Our only move is to keep writing new sentences. Our lives are different now and that’s ok because we slowly start to uncover what it is we’ll need to move forward and take that next brave step.

The reason narcissistic abuse is so traumatizing is because the abuser weaponizes the idea of relationship. They have turned relationship into poison. We are lost at sea dying of thirst, but all we see is salt water. We can’t drink it. Our brains think trusting relationships aren’t safe when the reality is that relationships are necessary at the most fundamental level. 

Our survival depends on connection. We have to honour that need inside of us.

And this was how I ultimately healed.