If you’re thinking of leaving a narcissist or have left a narcissistic relationship (and have experienced the wrath and never-ending drama), it’s important that you understand this very specific and cruel abuse tactic. It was likely present throughout your relationship and left you feeling like you didn’t know which way is up. It slowly ate away at your self-esteem and left you feeling like there’s something wrong with you. 

Understanding what gaslighting is and how to react is the only way to dismantle it and stop the suffering. It’s not narcissism; it’s the TOOL of the narcissist. Once recognized, it will lose its power over you. Heading into a separation or divorce isn’t easy for anyone. Separating from my narcissist ex and the unbelievable court process that followed gave me PTSD for a decade. I only wish I knew more back then to better prepare myself for what this individual would cost my family in terms of money, time and emotional trauma.

Gaslighting is a process of abuse meant to dismantle the receiver’s self esteem

Gaslighting is a vicious process of abuse that is destabilizing and dismantling for the one on the receiving end. Gaslighting is not just telling a lie, having a disagreement, or failing to remember events how they really happened. It involves the denial of someone’s reality, and then followed by a personal attack. “Wow, you must be really confused to have heard me say that” for example. The other elements of gaslighting are: that it’s performed by someone we love, trust or holds a position of societal power over us and that it’s done repeatedly over time. It leaves you in a permanent state of self-doubt.

“You’re insane, and I’m not the only one who thinks so”, “you don’t make any sense”, “that never happened, you live in a dream world” and “I’m worried about you. You seem to be losing your mind”. “No one is going to believe you”. I would hear these types of phrases on a daily basis while with my ex. It seems insane right? Why would anyone take this type of treatment? Because it’s well disguised. It starts off subtle, then repeatedly chips away at one’s self esteem slowly until they truly believe they are the crazy ones. It becomes the new normal.

Empathetic people are targets

Traumatized people, or those who are empathetic tend to be more easily gaslightable. They will more likely question themselves and have self-doubt regarding their own experiences. Being empathetic, made me an easy target. If someone told me a version of reality that didn’t coincide with my own, I was the first person to see where I could have made the mistake or misunderstood the situation.

I remember being in court with my ex (just before he was arrested for evading child support for over a decade). He allegedly has no job, no bank account, no home, has his parents pay his bills, is an undischarged bankrupt and defrauded corporations. He told me (a financial analyst who has supported my son on my own for a decade) “if you can’t afford to take care of a kid, you should really learn to manage your money better”.  

Elements of gaslighting:

1. Have a relationship (trust)
2. Deny your perception of reality (“that never happened”)
3. Dismantle you by telling you there’s something wrong with you (“you’re deranged”)
4. Happens repeatedly.

How to call out a gaslighter

Gaslighter’s gaslight and they don’t like being stopped. Calling them out is like calling out a narcissist (it doesn’t work) or educating a thief on ethics. Confronting them is going to become twisted and uncomfortable. If I dared call my ex out on anything, it would get really ugly. He would become very confrontational, had this maniacal laugh, and would say something along the lines of “no wonder you’re this way, look at your family, they’re all losers… you’d be living in a box if it weren’t for me”.

When you call out a gaslighter, you’ll likely get mocked first. “Wow, did you read that in one of your self-help books? You’re so smart”. You will be blamed. “Is this all you care about? Calling me out?”. You might be met with anger. “You’re pathetic, how can you waste my time on this type of nonsense?” And most likely, you will be met with more gaslighting. “I’m just calling YOU out! You’re the gaslighter!” Now, is any of this worth it? They will always need to maintain their standing and put you in your place. I don’t think being mocked or raged at is worth it, frankly. You’ll never get the response you want.

Hold onto YOUR reality

So what do you do? My experience is that you should disengage and ALWAYS COVER YOUR BASES. It’s likely that your self-esteem has been dismantled over time through the blame shifting (“I cheated because YOU let yourself go”) and projection (“you’re the narcissist, not me”). It feels awful and, in all likelihood, you spent a long time questioning your own sanity and have been worn down. You must HOLD ONTO YOUR REALITY. Don’t fight for it because they aren’t listening. They’re only goal is to hold the pristine image of themselves. Accept it. It isn’t worth arguing.

If you’re heading into a separation or divorce, the tricky part is that the judges are constantly changing, and don’t have the training necessary to spot this type of abuse or manipulation. This is where the years of “no one will ever believe you” will really cut deeply. Don’t let it. Try to get everything you can in writing for the court record. In a pressure situation, the gaslighter’s charming façade will fade into contempt and rage. You will need to tolerate their discomfort, set appropriate boundaries, and surround yourself with good people who will validate your feelings and experience of reality.

It’s not all bad

There is good news in all of this. You are saving yourself a lifetime of abuse by leaving the relationship. You are closing the gate with the narcissist in your life and are building strong walls to keep out future narcissists. Separating is the only road to inviting healthy relationships into your life so that you can start finding your own passions and purpose once again.