Every story is valid and all of us have healing to do. Terrible things happen and those things affect the way you show up in the world. We can’t change these stories. But we can change the way these stories show up between our ears.

Below is my account of my own experience with PTSD brought on by the relationship with my ex. My intent is not to diminish anyone’s personal experience or suggest my way of dealing is in any way superior. It’s not. It’s my belief after having read hundreds of books on the topic that treatment should be as unique to the individual as the experience itself. As this site is a resource for single parents, my hope is that if your experiences parallel any of mine, reading about my struggles and coping strategies, just might help heal yours.

As of the date of writing, I’m currently on a low dose of Venlafaxine, commonly known as Effexor. It’s an (SNRI) antidepressant my doctor prescribed when I came to her for help with the flashbacks and panic attacks I was suffering from after my ex forced me into litigation (for the 3^rd time). The litigation process threw me into crisis mode, and I agreed that any support available would help me get through this time without compromising my career or my ability to parent my child. It was the right move for me at the time.

I’m confident that I don’t need these drugs right now, but when I tried to stop taking them a few months back, the withdrawal symptoms were too much to bear. I felt like I was dying. Headaches, vertigo and what I could only describe as electric shocks to my brain made basic functioning impossible. My plan is to go to a compounding pharmacy where they can customize a tiny reduction week by week until I’m completely off. 

Acute traumas are sudden. Think pandemic, financial crisis, death, separation, spousal abuse, litigation etc. These types of events put our bodies on high alert to cope with whatever it is we’re facing. Imagine a sudden threat like a predator chasing us. The blood to the brain and heart constricts and flows to the extremities so that we can run. It’s not a time to digest or get creative. Evolution did a great job as far as being eaten is concerned, but unfortunately our stresses these days aren’t the animals chasing us but our minds that play the crises in our minds repeatedly.

Often times, the pain is so overwhelming that we choose to suppress the feelings. This is what I did. I needed to start a degree, work to support my son and never really dealt with the anger at my ex (and myself) for the abuse my son and I endured. When he pulled me back into intense litigation in an effort to bankrupt me into submission, the trauma erupted like a volcano. The Effexor seemed to calm the symptoms I was experiencing and helped me function with day-to-day life.

DON’T FOCUS ON THE WHY, FOCUS ON HEALING

Trauma manifests in both the physical body and in the structure of the brain. The worst thing we can do is supress it. Often, guilt and shame prevent us from going there. Please don’t let this happen to you. All trauma, big and small, needs to be dealt with.

I turned to meditation and Dr. Caroline Leaf’s work for tools on how to manage my mind. Her books changed my life. She has a tool called the Neurocycle that helps me manage toxic thoughts. I practice it daily. To summarize, the first step (gather) is to locate your racing thoughts. The next (reflect) is, (you guessed it) to reflect on them. Think about what happens to your body, what negative things you tell yourself, and how it manifests in your daily life. The 3^rd step (write) is to write everything down. She suggests using a mind mapping technique. Then the 4^th step (recheck) is to go over your notes and talk to yourself about them. And lastly (active reach), you practice a coping technique that looks something like “When I experience the physical trigger of ____ , I will tell myself _____ and choose to feel ______”. She suggests going this every day for 63 days.

Another life saver for me was human connection.  I reconnected with friends, met new people and looked for group classes that piqued my interest. All of the research on the “blue zones”, the regions in the world that have the highest concentration of centenarians, point back to human connection and community as the single most important factor contributing to their longevity. 

EVERYTHING WE’VE BEEN TOLD ABOUT “CHEMICAL IMBALANCES” IS WRONG

My mind was blown when I read the new research about how depression being a “brain disorder” was found to be false. In a recent study published in October 2022 by Peter Sterling of the University of Pennsylvania titled “A Neuroscientist Evaluates the Standard Biological Model of Depression”, he concluded that “recent evidence from multiple sources [citing 44 journal publications] fails to support this hypothesis.” I’ve read article after article about this topic. I’ve included a research review by Bruce Levine, a clinic psychologist, should you want to read more about this.

I choose to view depression and anxiety as gifts from my body, guiding me to what needs to be dealt with. Dr. Leaf has an analogy that describes thoughts as trees. Our mind is the forest. When a tree is dying (toxic thoughts), our unconscious mind pushes it up to the surface to be managed. Managing the toxic thought is like putting miracle grow on the thought trees.

So, there you have it. My personal belief is that medications are fantastic at managing the symptoms of depression that can be lifesaving for some. But for the depression and anxiety I experienced as a result of the relationship abuse I experienced, greater strides were made using other techniques that involved re-writing the way the adverse experiences showed up in my body and brain.

Try Dr. Caroline Leaf’s “Neurocycle”. There are fabulous resources on the internet where you can read about her research in depth. I also suggest downloading and trying her app by the same name. It takes you through the protocol day by day for the full 63 days.