A single mom is no stranger to problem solving. She supports a family on 1 income with twice the bills on half the time. She finds stable employment that accommodates her need for flexibility, childcare and career advancement. She deals with health issues, often suffering silently, unable to take a break or afford the healthcare she desperately needs. She is an absolute master of making the most with limited resources, negotiating solutions for her family while managing everything simultaneously. A single mom does not give up on her family, no matter how many times she’s fallen down.

In speaking with hundreds of single mothers, a pattern I’ve noticed is that many of us who are struggling have gotten “stuck” in the single mom suffering program. We are single moms, yes that is true. We are raising a family on our own; also, true. Things can get tough financially, in many instances we aren’t making as much as our wed counterparts, and we are tired.

But where we get stuck is fighting reality or seeing only 1 possible solution, as opposed to reframing the problems in front of us. We get stuck in what are called anchor problems or try to solve for gravity problems.

WHAT ARE GRAVITY PROBLEMS? ANCHOR PROBLEMS?

Gravity problems, like gravity, can’t be solved. They’re part of reality, and we can waste a lifetime fighting reality. It’s a fact of life, a situation we find ourselves in, or a card we’ve been dealt. If you get stuck here, you’ll be stuck forever. You can’t change gravity. Your best bet here is acceptance. You’re a single mom now. Your current job isn’t paying the bills. Going to university to start a degree will take time away from your babies and cost money you don’t have.

Anchor problems prevent movement by keeping us stuck in one place. We anchor ourselves to one specific solution that just isn’t working. The move here is to reimagine the solution or path forward.  A new life as a single mom has begun; research new jobs to see what could align with my interests and skills while providing me with flexibility; take an online course that aligns with your goals and budget.

Too much energy is wasted on fighting what we cannot change or becoming focused on things being a certain way that we become blinded to all other solutions. In life, there is never just 1 solution.

SOME TYPICAL “SINGLE MOM PROBLEMS”

CAREER ADVANCEMENT

Laura is a single mom with a strong desire to advance in her career. She believes that her responsibilities as a mother often hold her back from pursuing higher-level positions at work. She feels torn between her ambition to climb the corporate ladder and her dedication to providing a stable and nurturing environment for her child. Laura is stuck in a cycle of self-doubt, unsure if she can achieve the career success, she envisions without sacrificing her role as a loving mother. She is worn down, uninspired, feels under-valued at work and tired. She is anchored to the belief that “being a single mom is preventing me from advancing in my career.”

Reframing the Problem:

• Goal Alignment: Laura can reassess her career goals and align them with her values as a mother. Recognizing that career success doesn’t have to equate to sacrificing her role as a loving parent can alleviate some of her internal conflict.

• Communication with Employer: Laura can have an open and honest conversation with her employer about her career aspirations and her responsibilities as a single mom. Exploring flexible work arrangements, remote work options, or part-time opportunities can create a win-win situation.

• Support System: Building a strong support system, including family members, friends, or childcare providers, can offer assistance in caring for her child while she focuses on her career.

• Networking and Skill Development: Laura can invest in networking and skill development opportunities that allow her to grow professionally while maintaining her work-life balance.

These are just a few examples on how she can look at the problem differently. She can work towards achieving professional goals and be a dedicated mother.

I NEED A TRADITIONAL FAMILY UNIT TO BE A SUCCESSFUL MOTHER

Meet Sarah, a single mom in her late 30s, who has been struggling to find her footing ever since her divorce. She firmly believes that her path to success and happiness is through finding the perfect man who can provide emotional and financial stability for her and her children, the model she grew up with. She has been prioritizing her quest for a partner above everything else, often feeling discouraged and frustrated when relationships don’t work out as expected. She is anchored to the belief of “successful families have 2 parents, where the man is the breadwinner, and a mother takes care of their children.”

Reframing the Problem:

Sarah can reframe her situation by shifting her focus from finding the perfect man as the sole solution to her challenges and instead consider a different definition to achieving success as a mother and what being a “perfect family” means:

• Personal Growth: Sarah can recognize that her own personal growth and self-sufficiency are essential for her well-being.

• Financial Independence: Rather than relying solely on a partner for financial stability, Sarah can set realistic financial goals. She can work on improving her career prospects, budgeting, and saving for her and her children’s future.

• Networking and Support: Sarah can expand her social network to include not only potential partners but also friends, mentors, and support groups. These connections can provide emotional support, guidance, and opportunities for personal and professional growth.

• Setting Realistic Expectations: Sarah can re-evaluate her expectations in relationships and understand that perfection is a rare and unrealistic standard. She can focus on building healthy, fulfilling connections based on mutual respect and shared values.

• Balance and Self-Reflection: Sarah can find a balance between her desire for companionship and her need for personal growth and self-discovery. Regular self-reflection can help her reassess her priorities and make adjustments as needed.

By reframing her perspective, Sarah can build a fulfilling life for herself and her children that is not solely dependent on finding the “perfect” partner. This transformation will empower her to take control of her own destiny and thrive independently, ultimately attracting healthier and more compatible relationships in the future.

When we become so focused on 1 solution, the only one we’re willing to accept, we become blind to the other possibilities. We become discouraged because the problem seems so big that we fail and give up. “It was impossible, after all.”

Get rid of your perfect image and start brainstorming. Get creative. We get stuck because we anchor ourselves to solutions that just aren’t working. And when we anchor ourselves to crappy solutions, the problems become worse and worse as time goes on.

So ladies, ask yourself if the problem you’re solving for IS the real problem? You don’t want to waste your time and resources solving for a systemic issue that is not going anywhere.  Are you feeling stuck? This could be an indication that the destination you have in mind might need to pivot. Are you feeling burnt out and frustrated? This might mean that you’ve been addressing the same problem for too long without any progress. Hello disillusionment and complete exhaustion.

In the world of single motherhood, problems aren’t going away. We don’t want the problems to go away, we want to become better problem solvers. By understanding the nature of our problems, we can more easily approach them with determination and wisdom, transforming them into victories, instead of letting them pull us under. For a single mom, reframing problems isn’t a choice; it’s a superpower.