My story, or yours?

We met in Manhattan. I was a free-spirited musician, and he told me he was a decorated private jet executive selling planes in New York with business interests too complicated for me to understand. He had professional possibilities (check), was attractive (check), seemed intelligent (smart), knew the right places and people (double check), was a great cook (check) and could be very charming. After a week, he told me he was in love with me, and that if he was ever hard on me it was only because of his “high standards”. I reminded him of his mother, he told me.

My friends were a waste of his time to hang around with, and I would be schooled on talking to the wrong people on our nights out (that I would pay for). Somehow though, he was “taking care of me” and “just wanted the best for me”, because we were a power couple and needed to associate with people “like us”. We moved in together right away and I became pregnant 3 months into our relationship. At the time, it all sounded great. He’d take care of me during my pregnancy, and I could concentrate on writing music, which was why I moved to New York to begin with. His excitement for our future only fuelled mine. 

I was tasked with taking care of the apartment, making sure nothing was out of place, that all of his dishes were cleaned up, and that his shirts were pressed. (If I never see another collar stay in my lifetime, I’d be glad). God help me if I enraged him by leaving a cupboard door open. The eggshells I was walking on felt like razor blades. I had a young son at this point and was financially dependent. I had few of my “loser friends” left and was embarrassed to tell anyone the truth. My mother caught on when she noticed he would always walk 10 steps ahead of me and our son when he got out of the car. I was left in his dust, fumbling with the baby and all associated gear. 

He talked about hundred thousand dollar ring, travelling the world when his “payout happened” and our life that would be the thing of fairy tales. But, when I ever questioned his business interests, he would become enraged. When I questioned his neglect, he would dismiss it as me being “so needy”. 

He would come home later and later, most of the time high on cocaine. He was secretive about his phone, never leaving it unattended. If I ever walked in a room where he was on his computer, he’d say things like “Thanks for distracting me. You clearly don’t have a job”. Before long, he would call me “insecure”, “a pathetic loser, like the rest of my family” and a “waste of his time”. He would say “thanks for your $5 contribution to this family” when he took my $500+ weekly pay checks to deposit into his account. My birthday (and mothers day, valentine’s, Christmas etc.) gifts were either clothes for him, because it was better for me if they looked good or a trip to Paris that never happened. There wasn’t any point to get me anything because I hadn’t yet lost all of the baby weight. I wasn’t allowed to go out with him because I didn’t fit into my “nice clothes”.

I silenced my instincts for a long time. I tried to get help for myself and saw therapists to help “fix” me. I was diagnosed with “adjustment disorder” to being a new mom! I was so ashamed and would have given up on life if it wasn’t for the little human I brought into this world. 

He left us on New Year’s Day in 2013 to be with his married girlfriend (whom he also abused in the same way I later found out via text messages that began showing up on my son’s iPad after he used his own apple ID to run an update; yes he didn’t understand the concept at the time). I’ll never forget the words: “newsflash, if a man is committed to you, he puts a ring on your finger”. He told me the problem was that I had “let myself go” and that he just had higher standards for his life.

Jumping into your truest life

This is my story but having heard many over the years; they all sound the same. If you’re in a court battle or situation where your ex simply refuses to support their child, there’s a high likelihood your experiences mirror mine.

We weren’t together long; just over 3 years. Those 3 years though, fundamentally changed my perception of reality. Everything moved so quickly, it felt like a decade. It took a long time and hard work to unravel the damage this human did. My wish for you is that your healing happens in a fraction of the time it took me so that you can start accumulating healthy and authentic relationships again and jump into your truest life.

Narcissists don’t change

Narcissists use people as objects or accessories, severely damaging the quality of the lives they touch. They barrel through life with a sense of grandiosity and carelessness. We fall in love with them and even have children with them, all while they destroy us and have us believe it’s our fault.

Narcissists don’t change.  Waiting for this change is like waiting for a train that isn’t coming. The danger is that the narcissistic relationship is predicated on the idea of “they’ll see how much they’re hurting me and change” or “the goods are so good, they’re just having a bad day” or “it’s my fault I upset them”.  The ONLY way to survive a narcissistic relationship, is to realize that you’re not the “unhinged” one (as you’ve likely been told), that you’re merely the “audience” whose only purpose is for their adulation.

Understand how you got hooked, why you hung on for as long as you did, inform yourself and end the abuse however possible given your circumstances.

There’s a lot of talk about narcissism, especially in the age of Madoff, Kanye and Trump, but what is it really?  It’s defined as a “pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy.” A narcissist is characterized as someone with “variable and vulnerable self-esteem, with attempts at regulation through attention and approval seeking”. They believe they are above the law, entitled, and deserving of ideal love and unlimited success. In my case, bills and court orders were just “pieces of paper”. If they receive the praise they so badly need, they have a good day. Watch out though, on the days they are criticized. They will attack. 

The birth of the narcissist

There are 2 key theories offered by Heinz Kohut and Otto Kernberg. Kohut’s “mirroring” theory, involves the idea that children need approval from their parents in a consistent way and those who don’t receive it are stuck in an underdeveloped world view. Children are grandiose in nature (think superheroes and thoughts of magic and wonder). These worldviews become shaped into adult realities if the child doesn’t have a healthy parent compassionately shaping a more realistic sense of self and the world.

Add to that, because they look to their world as a “mirror”, they become dependent on the world for validation. Strong shifts in mood and rages cause them to project emotions on to those around them, and the need to numb emotions often lead to alcohol and drug dependencies.

Kernberg’s theory focuses on the idea of unempathetic parents. These kids are starved for attention and validation and place an unhealthy emphasis on external attributes. If they ever feel vulnerability, they “cut off” that part of themselves.

Psychiatrist Alexander Lowen posits that children who were humiliated at the hands of controlling parents learn that power is how relationships function and that feelings are not ok. This type of dynamic teaches children that manipulation and acting out are the only ways to get their needs met.

An narcissism epidemic

It’s very likely that if you aren’t a narcissist, you might be under the spell of one. We live in a culture of people who consume a diet of constant validation.  The outside world is used to regulate a sense of self that should develop from within under healthy circumstances. It’s becoming normalized in young adults and coming without the need of any real substance. Telling a child they are wonderful is easier then helping them grow and develop. Unconditional love is very different from receiving a standing ovation every time a child enters the room. In our culture, the picture is more important than reality, the pursuit of accumulation comes at any cost necessary, and our value is merely a function of our wealth, beauty and youth.

I try so hard to keep dating and to keep an open mind. I’m met with consistent discouragement with the hookup culture, and have yet to make a deep connection with someone I’ve met on an app that predicates a relationship on a “swipe”, showmanship and branding.