I spent my entire 30s obsessively working. I raised my son alone, without support, without resources, and without a roadmap. The world isn’t set up for single parenthood, but I promise to dedicate my life to changing that.

I don’t think anyone asks to do it alone, but many of us are thrown into the quagmire and forced to grow wings as we fall towards the pavement while others are just standing around, judging us and criticizing our choices. We don’t fall alone. We carry our little one’s on our backs. If we fall, they fall. So, we do everything we can to wake up every morning, not complain, work until our brains melt and muscles give out. We’re not allowed to get sick, we’re not allowed to have needs and we’re certainly not supposed to talk about it or ask for help. We have little value in the workforce while the weight of financially supporting our families lies solely on our shoulders. 

This is how doing it alone feels. I’ll tell you my story another time, but for now I want to tell you what I wish I knew when it all began.

The ONLY thing you can control in this moment is what you choose to focus on. And, there is more to life than what you’re focusing on right now. Seems simple doesn’t it?

Let me say that a different way. You have to get REALLY good and asking yourself “Does giving this thought my energy serve me and my family?” You’ve heard the phrase “Where your attention goes, energy flows”. It’s time to become an attention ninja. Your brain doesn’t know the difference between what’s real or imagined, and whatever is going on between your ears right now is laying the foundation of your family’s future.

The mental, emotional, physical and financial abuse at the hands of an ex who prioritizes their own needs against their children’s right for support can swallow those who are tasked with the role of raising their kids alone and supporting them financially. Don’t let it. This doesn’t have to be your movie. 

I laugh when I hear “be grateful for your experience, because it made you stronger”. I actually had a judge tell me “You should be grateful that your ex never paid child or spousal support because it forced you to go and make something of yourself”. Madame Justice, I made something of myself not because of, but IN SPITE OF my deadbeat ex. (Why personal injury judges have no place in family court will be the topic of another post.) Don’t be grateful for your ex, be grateful for the resilience you’re modelling for your children. Be grateful that you’ve been challenged with what seems impossible, so that you can teach your children that the world is better for having had you and them in it. 

Whether you’re a newly single parent, or you’ve been on this road a while, you know that the path ahead is not easy. But if you can train your mind like an Olympic athlete trains their sport, only letting in what serves you, it will make all of the difference. 

Rewrite your story.

Focusing on what happened to you in the past will keep you in a state of chronic stress at the expense of your children and your health. Divorce the story and start writing one that’s consistent with the person you want to be. Start noticing what you want, rather than its absence.

When you change your story, you change you. Single parenthood isn’t a punishment; you’re being called to level up.

Greatness has a way of putting lessons in the most painful containers. Your relationship didn’t end; your life has begun.