There’s a lot of lack in single parent life. No one will deny the fact that we’re strapped for cash, short on time and because of the former, can’t upgrade our education. We work as many jobs as we can to pay astronomical rents and feed our children. There are lots of “we cant’s” in our lives. We can’t afford to go out, take our kids on trips or take time off from work just to have a day to cry by ourselves. New running shoes? Sorry babe. School supplies, video games? We can’t. Massage, manicure, hairstyle? I can’t. God forbid a job loss or a medical issue. We’d be on the street. I’ve been stuck in those spirals, and it sucks.

Many Truths Principle

What if there is another truth? Another angle of looking at this, another interpretation or challenge, another reality that we can’t yet see because our focus is on not drowning. Could we instead learn to swim? Yes. Could it also be true that what feels like a life sentence at this moment is really a call to action? I think so. Could this situation be giving us the training ground for the most valuable human skill of all – that of resilience? Maybe. Is this a set-back or a set-up?

Things aren’t black and white and experiences are neither good nor bad. What makes them good or bad is our reaction to them, or the story we tell ourselves afterwards. In Shakespeare speak, “our thinking makes it so.” If someone asked you right now, “would you rather be angry or happy”? what would you say? I’d choose happy. In any situation, does your thinking empower or diminish? Re-write whatever it is that you’re telling yourself in an empowering way.

But how can poverty, loneliness, hunger and fear of sickness be reframed in an empowering way? In Canada, 40% of single moms are raising their children in poverty. This is not ok, but is the reason I’m writing right now with the hope of making a difference to the women who come after me. The truth is, there is always another way. I know in my gut that it’s true, and that there is always more to any given moment than what we’re seeing.

How can I choose to see this?

I constantly ask myself “How can I chose to see this?”. Whether it’s with regards to my litigation, struggles with my child, job stress, you name it. I actually make a game out of it, and run through various scenarios in my head. 

For a long time, I struggled with terrible sadness that I failed in finding my son a good father. I failed in choosing a decent life partner. No one wanted me now, with the baggage that I have. Who’d sign up for this? Men my age want a 20-year-old, and I don’t want a man in his 60’s, so I’m doomed to be alone forever. Looking at it now. I’m still single, but I love it. Yes, it would be nice to have someone who cares about how I’m doing or be excited to see me at the end of a hard day. But I also have my freedom and very high standards. I have my own bed; with the sheets I like. I’m able to put on my headphones and dance around my apartment like a crazy person. I don’t think I’d do that around a man; definitely not someone I’m just dating. When it’s time, I know it will happen. I’d just rather not obsess about it. Right now, it’s about the life I’m building for my child.

In my world “single parent” is a title I’m proud of, that represents strength and agency. I choose to see it that way, especially the times it feels almost impossible. The nagging “you were meant for more” or “I didn’t sign up for this” that plays in our minds on repeat is a gift and the little people that depend on us give us no other option but to succeed. Anyone can sail when the seas are calm. It’s in the storm you see the sailor’s skill.