It’s taken a decade to heal from the extreme psychological and financial abuse I endured while with my son’s father. Years of research on the topics of family law, narcissistic personality disorder, financial abuse and trauma have only partially healed the wounds. It’s been 10 years, and I’m still not completely comfortable trusting a man with my or my son’s heart.
Narcissistic abuse and gaslighting are becoming more and more popular it seems, entering the mainstream with documentaries like the Tinder Swindler and Inventing Anna. What would happen though if either of these characters had a child? Unfortunately, that’s a question I can answer first-hand. Litigating a narcissist does not end well. It’s painful, long, financially and psychologically crippling, and completely pointless. I’m not saying don’t do it. It’s your parental responsibility to protect the rights of your child. I just want to prepare you for the reality and the psychological warfare that is to come should you go down that road.
If it’s too good to be true…
It was a whirlwind romance. We were both living in New York and met on Bumble. I was working as a nanny while pursuing a music career. There were all kinds of men in New York, but this one was different. He was handsome, charming, attentive, and seemed to be successful. Our first date he told me all about his family; about how he took care of them all (particularly his brother who worked as a roofer). We went from restaurant to bar, to next bar to next bar to next bar. It was the best date of my life. I couldn’t believe this guy was single. How could I have gotten so lucky? The next morning, I woke up at his place and figured that I had you know, “ruined it”. Instead, he walked me home across central park, walked my dog with me and bought my roommate, her child and I breakfast. He held my hair as I threw up in the garbage can on 2nd Ave.
He called me later that day and we went out again. In fact, we went out every night. By the third date, he told me he loved me, and by time I found out I was pregnant, 3 months into our relationship, we joked that we hadn’t spent a single day apart. It was the stuff of fairy tales. He had a gorgeous place on the Upper West Side (which I later found out was owned by a man who was giving him free room and board in exchange for renovations).
Signs are obvious, in retrospect
Looking back there were signs, as there always are. He would get cruel and belligerent when he drank, unable to remember what he said or did. He would then apologize and propose running away and getting married just so that he could prove his devotion. (Cute right?) He would use my bank card and credit cards when we went out because his money was tied up in The Global Group of Companies, of which he was the Chairman. This was a group of companies financed by the Prince of Dubai. (Oh, I know) I was, after all, an artist who didn’t understand business and he was an MBA (in his mind at least). He also went to Oxford (the one in London, he told me). He would pay all of the bills when his “big payout” would arrive, and I could concentrate on my music. (Paying for everything now was the least I could do since he’d be a billionaire soon). Something he always said was “when we’re married, your credit will be my credit, so don’t worry about paying your bills”. He would be in touch with real-estate agents about 10M dollar homes that he would be paying in cash for. It’s almost comical now, but when you’re in it, you want so badly to believe their lies and that the “good guy” is the real guy, and you keep justifying and making excuses for all of the bad behaviour. The good was so good, it almost cancelled out the abuse. Little did I know my life would turn into a sadistic game of trying to keep him from erupting and living in the hope of maybe experiencing one of his good days.
Dead inside and convinced I was the crazy one
3 years later I was a shell of a human, only alive because of the little human I promised to protect until the day I died. At this point my ex was only kind to me when he came home high on cocaine. I would hold my son crying, promising I’d get us out. Two things were stopping me though, the fact that my ex had taken all of my money and destroyed my credit was one. The other was that I loved him so much, I wanted him to get help. I didn’t know much about narcissism but I knew he was self-centred, that my life was dedicated to cater to his an that my son was an accessory. But, when he came home high, he would tell me stories of how terrible his dad was to his mom and that he didn’t want to perpetuate the abuse. The morning would come, and there he would be – foaming at the mouth after having taken ambien so that he could sleep. It’s difficult to try and remember what I felt in those moments. Imagine loving someone so much, knowing they’re sick, wanting them to get help so badly, but at the same time wondering if my freedom could only be found on the other side of him overdosing.
Becoming the woman HE deserved
The day I gave birth to my son in 2010, lying next to me holding our newborn, he said “I couldn’t have asked for a better mother for my child. But I deserve someone better for a wife”. I spent the next 2 years trying to shape-shift myself into that wife he deserved. I spent my labour listening to him tell me to be quiet during my contractions because he couldn’t hear the hockey game that was playing in my hospital room. Mother’s days were spent shopping for clothes for him because it was “better for me, that he look good”. Every Christmas, Valentine’s and Birthday I received the same gift – a trip to Paris that would never happen. Every penny was spent on his expensive suits, nights out and drugs. The only way I could get him to look at a photo of his son was saying “oh, what a great picture of you”. He would look and see it was his son and become enraged. Nothing was ever enough. I couldn’t cook well enough, couldn’t clean properly and was a loser, (like the rest of my family and friends he said) who didn’t make enough money. Every time we went out, he spent hours deconstructing every person I spoke to. He would yell at me because I would waste his time “talking to losers”. Every night, I would walk on eggshells, wondering if I’d get the good guy or the bad guy. I remember him going off the rails because I left a cupboard door open when he came home from work. I was a pilates instructor, and he would take my paychecks (that ranged between $500-$800 / week) and say “thanks for your $5 contribution to this family” or “you know if it wasn’t for me, you’d be living in a box”. He, at the time, was working as a national sales manager for a private aviation company in Toronto. In his mind, he was one of the Billionaires he sold planes to. In the public’s mind, he was the guy at the bar paying everyone’s bill. I was the only one in the world it seemed, who knew that he was paying for everything using someone else’s credit card.
I never left
The most embarrassing part of the whole thing was that in the end, he left me. He found his “better wife” in a married flight attendant who, at the time, was posing as a friend of mine. She was very open about the spousal abuse she was experiencing, so I can only assume that my son’s father was her “knight in shining armour”, despite him being in a relationship with a woman who had just given birth to his son. He used the $6000 my family had put into an account for my son to take her on a European vacation. He deserved it right? He told me that he had opened an investment account for us that we had been contributing to, which I found out later was only in his name. All he left me with in the end was tens of thousands of dollars in debt (and an STD).
This is not my movie
There was a day that changed everything though – when it all became clear. I understood how those women you see in the movies feel; those who experience unthinkable abuse, then murder their abusers. My ex wanted to take me for a drive to talk about “next steps” in our separation. Apparently, the car is a favourite place for narcissists to berate their victims because there is no one to hear and nowhere to run. I told him I would be seeking child support, which didn’t go over well. He erupted in a rage I’ve only seen a few times before and told me that if I ever went after child support, he would tell the judge I was so stupid with money that he would have my son taken away from me. The courts would see what a “loser” I was (a favourite one of his “pet names” for me) and establish that I couldn’t afford take care of him. He went on to say that if I complied, he would buy a house and rent the basement to me. Afterall, who in their right mind would rent to a single mom who could barely afford to take care of herself? I remember the red I saw, the uncontrollable weeping, and complete dissociation. It was like I was watching a movie of someone else’s life.
I did retain a lawyer with some borrowed money from my mom who was able to take out a loan for me. He didn’t participate in the court process whatsoever. He refused to file any type of financial disclosure or even show up to court, so I received a default judgement based on the tax slips I had in my possession showing his income. There were no assets in his name, and the moment the courts started garnishing his wages, he quit his job and opened his own private aviation company. (A company he’d later drive into the ground after taking about $300,000 of investor money and using it as his personal chequing account). He would wear $10,000 custom made suits, spend thousands at the bar and expensive hotels (I got the statements from the Directors of the aviation company he was the President of). The enforcement agencies couldn’t find accounts in his name with any money in them, and the court order was (as he always said) “just a piece of paper”. He disappeared for many years, and it wasn’t until his name was published to “Good Parents Pay” (a Canadian government website seeking the public’s help in locating deadbeats) that he resurfaced under the false guise of repairing the relationship with his son and making things right with us.
Fool me twice
I brought him into my home, re-introduced him to my child, and although I truly tried to repair the relationship with his son. I found comfort in the realization that he was the complete loser (as he had so lovingly called me years before). He was as grandiose as ever, though he refused to pay for anything for his son, including a muffin that he asked I send him money for. He said things like “I like you more now”, because I had spent the last 7 years in school becoming a financial analyst. He said he could hire me to value his companies for financing rounds. I had spent years studying behavioural finance, which had become a passion of mine. “Is there any kind of finance?”, he would say. Later I found out that he had been telling his business partners at the time that he was the behavioural finance specialist. Here was a man who never even graduated high school writing in court documents “I transitioned from the aviation industry into consulting in other industries such as finance and fintech, while pursuing investments in New York and Miami” (what does this even mean?), all while claiming an income of less than $10,000 year. In retrospect, his resurfacing was an attempt to groom me again, so that I would rescind his debt and get him name off the website which was hurting his “consulting business”.
When we went to court for his default hearing, he told me in the hall of the courthouse that unless I rescinded his debt, he would bankrupt me with court costs until I was destroyed. He told me that if I couldn’t support my son on my own, I should learn to manage my money better. He was arrested and sent to jail for 3 months.
He hired a lawyer who pushed the narrative that his arrears should be expunged on the account of parental alienation and the fact that he has no income and hasn’t had an income for all the years child support accrued. These were 2 years of my life spent in court, wasting money, listening to crazy stories he and his lawyer dreamed up. She seemed to be living in the same world he was. I had a female judge tell me “You should be thankful you never received a penny of support because it forced you to go make something of yourself” after telling my lawyer to “shut up”.
I spent about $100,000 responding to his motions, court date after court date, all the while him never producing any legitimate financial disclosure. After all, he only claimed a couple thousand a year. Why no judge asked why a decorated executive’s income dropped from $150,000 to 0 after the split, or how he managed to live with no job or income for a decade, or how he could afford to retain the partner of a law firm, I don’t understand. A big part of the problem, I believe, is the fact you always get a new judge. They don’t understand the backstory, nor do they see the intricacies of the narcissist’s game. The narcissist blames everyone else for their circumstances, and they’re usually quite convincing.
Everyone else’s fault
My son having no interest in his father was my fault, because I discussed the case with him. His unemployment in the aviation industry was my fault because I (and his ex partner whom he stole $300,000 from) had slandered his name, not that he emptied the bank account of the previous aviation company he was the President of. Another reason he couldn’t secure employment was because the enforcement agencies took his license and passport away. He convinced the courts twice to return his passport because he was a pilot (he is not). He didn’t pay support for 8 years when he had his passport nor had ever required a passport to work. He worked as a consultant in fintech right? He’s been victimized by an unfair system; a father wanting so badly to care for the child that was taken away by the scorned girlfriend who wanted to get back at him for finding someone “better”. Yes, this is the crap I had to listen to, while watching the down payment for a home I had saved disappear. I listened to him say that the bank made a clerical error when we found a corporate bank account in his name, despite clear corporation documents. When asked why there were annual filing fees in the select bank accounts he chose to disclose, he stated “I just pay for a friends corporation that doesn’t have an income”. He just kept going and going, and I had to respond because the family court system prioritizes his perceived parental rights over my and my son’s human rights to thrive.
I can only now tell the story because I’ve worked on my mental health for a very long time. I see the problems in our system firsthand and want to help the women affected in similar ways; those who have difficulty supporting their children and feel completely stuck. I am thankful that I was able to pay my lawyer so that I could care for my son and keep my job while experiencing severe PTSD caused by the relationship and litigation process. I was forced to retain counsel, since the first year spent self-litigating forced me into such a severe depression that I knew I needed to trade emotional stress for financial stress. I couldn’t lose my job or fail the final CFA exam a second time because of this.
No closure
The hardest part for the victims is that narcissists have no empathy. They don’t feel badly for what they’ve done because in their eyes, they’re incredible and everyone else is a loser. They deserve to take people’s money, use them, and then spit them out the second their reality is challenged. They can’t keep relationships because their “expectations are too high”. I can’t tell you how many times I heard that one. Another common one was that I “live in a dream world”. I actually did question reality because I was conditioned to believe that I was the crazy one.
I can laugh about the absurdity of it now, but it really isn’t funny that many women have everything taken away from them, have a child to support on their own, and these narcissists continue to use the court system to abuse them into submission. They use every dirty trick to twist the narrative to make you appear “unhinged”. They bate, they lie, they delay, they do everything they can to hurt you while you try to protect your babies. They jump from lawyer to lawyer because they don’t pay their bills. It’s a sadistic game that feels unescapable because you’re tied together by a child. You’re stretched so thin to begin with, tired from working 2 jobs and parenting and still, they hope you die of cancer by dragging you through the process of listening to them attack you and your parenting. They want absolutely nothing to do with the child (in my case, he’s never so much as texted his child or asked how he was), but will cry parental alienation to gain sympathy from the court. What else can he do? He disappeared and owes $600,000 in a decade’s worth of child support.
They will never pay
It’s an unfortunate situation with no winner. They do not pay support and they don’t care. They only want to “win” and the more you hurt, the more they win. They laugh when you cry, they make you believe you’re the crazy one by tearing you down so badly that you don’t know how to survive on your own. You feel broken without them holding you together.
Healing does happen eventually. My healing happened bit by bit, with a lot of hard work. As I studied narcissistic personality disorder, I learned I wasn’t alone. When I learned that I wasn’t alone, I started to trust myself again. When I finally trusted myself, I knew that I was on the road to recovery.
Now pretty much recovered – I am doing something about it by being a champion and support system for the victims. A mother’s journey should not have to be this painful. Especially when her pain is only perpetuated by the systems put in place (by a patriarchy), under the false guise of protecting her children.
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