It’s no secret that I’m a huge advocate of self-care. It’s what got me through the toughest decade of my life alive. Self-care the way I see it isn’t a commodified vaginal jade egg, bubble bath, drive-through, juice cleanse “McHealing“ sesh. It’s a deeply personal, “bottom up” process that comes from the inside. A hot stone massage feels great in the moment, but the #selfcare I’m taking about isn’t big business or a sparkling escape. It’s an authentic journey back to your real essence – a place where you feel a greater sense of ease in everyday life.

As the title suggests, one of my core self-care practices centres around managing my inner state. I’m writing this on a rainy day in Toronto and am reminded of a book I read recently by Michael Singer, Living Untethered. He teaches that suffering comes from our expectations of what we think the world should be in an effort to heal our individual psychological scars. Everyone has unique scars, but there’s only 1 world, so why then, don’t we search for the acceptance that will ultimately lead us to liberation? He talks about the weather being the perfect training ground. We can be upset with the weather, but our frustration isn’t going to stop the rain. Instead, see the rain for what it is and make a conscious choice to stop struggling and start experiencing.

A BEAUTIFUL STATE

Every day, I work on my inner state by deciding suffering isn’t for me anymore. That’s all it is, a decision I’ve made for myself and my child. Several years ago, my son’s dad came back under the false guise of wanting to be re-introduced into his life after having disappeared for 7 years. I let him into my home, offered anything I could to help, gave him money like a babysitter and again he disappeared when he realized he wasn’t going to be successful in convincing me to rescind a decade work of unpaid child support. I felt like a fool because he had done this many times before, but for my son’s sake, I hoped this time was different and gave him the benefit of the doubt. 

My son was shattered, but not only for the reasons I thought. He told me that he completely expected his father to leave again. He said “I’m sad because ever since he showed up again, you’ve been sad”. That was it. My little boy was just reflecting my own state back to me. It was true. Seeing my ex (and being threatened by him again) brought back the PTSD from the abuse I spent years healing from. Realizing that my pain wasn’t just mine anymore led me on a multi-year “self-care” journey of acceptance of the things I couldn’t control.

I started by identifying my favourite flavours of suffering which in my case were “I’m not enough” and “how could I let someone hurt my family so deeply? Why couldn’t I protect my child?” I felt like an idiot; as though I failed my son. I felt a sense of loss from everything my ex cost us financially, anger, resentment, you name it. I’m not discounting these feelings or any type of abuse. I felt them legitimately. I recognized though, that these thoughts were patterns repeating in my head over and over again. They were triggered any time I had difficulty paying a bill, lost sleep over my son’s declining mental health at the time, working to exhaustion, having no freedom to explore a new relationship and every time I would walk by a man wearing Tom Ford’s Tobacco Vanilla cologne. (My ex refused to support his child, but always spent his money on only the finest luxuries for himself.) 

Once I identified my “go to” flavours, and what triggered the suffering emotions, I figured out ways to interrupt these feelings. 

I truly believe that the world is conspiring in our favour. I know intellectually that no one who did great things had it easy. This is my emotional home, but I wasn’t living there. I wanted to find things I could do with my body, memories to focus on and words to repeat in order to remind myself of my true essence.

For me, I start the day off with 20 min of dancing around my apartment like a crazy person. I challenge you to create a playlist of music that energizes you (Sia, Katy Perry and Lady Gaga work for me), put a pair of headphones on, dance and not feel better. Meditation is also key for me and I’ve become quite good at it in recent years. I can connect to the feelings of joy, growth, love and gratitude on command by taking myself back to moments in my past where I felt them, or moments into my future that I believe will produce them. (My favourite meditations are guided by Joe Dispenza). I just tell myself “This is the way I am, no matter what. It’s WHO I am – it’s my IDENTITY”.

You know it’s working when you start catching yourself in the old suffering program. Previously, you weren’t even aware there was a program, so acknowledging it is the first (and most important) step. Like building a muscle, the positive emotions will become stronger and stronger. There will be a day when WHO YOU ARE at the deepest level feels greater than the pain of anything that ever happened to you.